Cat Obedience School

I have concluded, after much observation, that my cat must be a liberal. The campaign sticker she totes around that says “Obama is Purrrrrrfect” was probably a dead give away, but long before that she showed other ominous signs.

To start, no matter how hard I try, I cannot get her to do her chores. We all live under the same roof, yet the laundry doesn’t get done and the dishes remain unwashed. The least she can do is clean her own box, for crying out loud! I’ve spoken to her at length of the importance of hard work, but she looks at me with those sad eyes and begs for more food. That’s what she wants. Handouts. Never mind I did the work. Never mind I pay for the food. She is content to mooch off of my successes to her benefit. Equal distribution is her model. She sleeps all the time and expects to be rewarded for it.

I won’t even mention health care. If she gets sick, who foots the bill? Me. She won’t get a job to pull her own weight, so in our household, her socialized medicine is subsidized by my paycheck.

If my cat cannot get her way, she takes to the hallways and riots. She vandalizes my property with her claws in attempt to make her views known. She will not engage me in debate over these issues.

I can’t toss her out on the streets, that would not be “compassionate.” And so our system remains broken as she benefits and I pay.

It is frustrating, for I feel there is a communication gap lying therein. I don’t understand it. She has lived with us for three years now, yet she refuses to learn the language. She won’t even attempt. She is living under my roof taking benefit of my handouts, but she won’t assimilate. If only there was a class I could send her to, English as a Second Language. Perhaps once her English is mastered, I can begin to indoctrinate her in the principles of Reagan Conservatism.